okay to cry

i learned a lesson today that i couldn't have learned any other way. 

my sweet daughter was down for a nap and my window had come.  i had to hurry to decide what to do with my window of freedom.  should i hurry to fold yesterday's clean laundry sitting in our room before it wrinkles (too late)? should i finish off a client's photography task? should i sleep? should i shower?
one look in the mirror and i made my decision: shower.

i checked that she was alright and quickly grabbed some clean clothes and hurried to the bathroom.  just as i got the shampoo pasted to the crown of my head... she cried.

it started as a whimper, but with every bubble as the suds grew thicker in my hair, her cry grew louder.

normally, living in a house with our in-laws meant that someone else would come running.  but today, it was me + my lil' babe.  and i couldn't have learned this lesson any other way.

as her cry grew louder, my urge to run to her (even if i wasn't clothed and with sudsy hair) grew stronger.   she was in her little bassinet.  she couldn't go anywhere.  she was crying pretty loud (clearly she could breathe).  she was safe.  she was warm.  she was just hungry.

the more i thought about it, the more calm i felt. there are times when i wonder if my prayers are being answered.  but the feeling that washed over me made any shadow of doubt disappear.  I've never been more sure. 

i calmed down and hurried to finish showering, excited to pick her up and soothe her, but knowing she was okay.  after the conditioner was gone from my hair + i was again clothe-covered, i went across the hall to our room and lil' babe.  i tried talking to her, but at first she couldn't hear me she was crying so loud.  her wide eyes found mine + her crying instantly stopped.  as my arms came around her she smiled so big it made the one alligator tear streaming down her face look completely out of place.

i couldn't help but think of how applicable it all was.  i've never seen her look at me that way because i've never let her really cry before.  the second she wimpers, i solve anything she needs.  but i would never have had such a tender moment as i did with her today nor seen her love so clearly without the contrast. 

i believe sometimes Heavenly Father LETS us cry, so we can feel more clearly his arms around us when they come.  knowing that we are safe and out of harms way.  and how often are we crying so hard that we can't hear his soft voice trying to soothe us until he can come?

i love that little bundle of baby so very very much.  i'm overwhelmed with this feeling of excitement at her growth and learning.  and there is nothing so comforting as that look in her eyes: she KNOWS i love her.

i can only wonder, how much does He love me?