Wednesday, December 18, 2013

One month peeps!

One month old Avery Jane

 
- can hold up her head
- hates socks
- quivers her chin
-loves finding herself in mirrors
 
-was baby Jesus for the Christmas party
- has LONG eyelashes
- has man burps
- loves Christmas lights
 
- knows mommy and daddy
-normally sleeps from 11pm to 5am
-loves head rubs
- is curious
 
- squeaks
- loves the color red
-is ticklish on her neck and in her armpits
- loves to cuddle
-is getting chubby
- is full of smiles
- still can't laugh

oh how we have loved every minute of the last month

Monday, December 16, 2013

My best friend

I love Matt because 

-he makes me want to be better

-he is always trying to put a smile on someone's face. Even if it's by doing the goofiest accent noise or face he can think of

-he sees the best in everyone. Even the people most others give up on. 

-he never judges me

-he is a wonderful father. He never complains and is always eager to spend time with and love Avery.

- our giggle fits. He can make me laugh like no one else can. 

-how much he loves the gospel. He has such a good heart and is giving his all to being his very best. 

-he's so patient. I'm a crazy girl full of emotions and tears at times, but he never gives up on me and cares enough to try and understand me.

-how good and right everything feels when I'm with him. 

-he goes to a job he doesn't love to provide for a family that he does.

-because Heavenly Father lets me see glimpses of the Matt he sees. 

Happy birthday love. I'm so grateful you picked me.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

holding each other a little closer

The holidays themselves make me nostalgic and a little more appreciative of the blessings I have. But never more than this year.
Matt's birthday is December 16th, and I've been planning for a few weeks a little weekend getaway for the three of us. Having his birthday so close to Christmas, he asked if we could just do some service for his birthday rather than focusing on more presents (love him). 

I coordinated it all. I service scavenger hunt, kidnapping him to dc, a temple trip, and meeting up with one of his best friends little family, and helping someone who really needed it. 

Plans changed.

Avery and I came out to work with him yesterday so we could leave from there and shave off half an our of the drive time. She was my little buddy Christmas shopping all morning, and it came time to meet Matt for lunch. 

We hopped back in our little car from the magical world of target and headed down the busy 5 lane road to his work.

As I was driving between 40-45mph when a car in the right lane (I was in the left) apparently slowed down to let someone pull out, who I guess was trying to cross all lanes of traffic to turn left, and was completely unaware of me and all the traffic coming behind me in both lanes. The car bolted into my lane yards ahead of me and there was no way to dodge it. One of those slow motion heart wrenching moments. If I hadn't of swerved we would have hit it head on. 
I screamed and swerved into the suicide lane (which amazingly was clear) but I couldn't avoid the impact and the drivers side of our car smashed launching me to the left into oncoming traffic, that was headed straight for Avery's door. By some miracle there was a gap in the traffic and I hurried back into the suicide lane before we were hit again.
I called the cops and Matt and managed to remain my composure. Paramedic mode helped. We pulled to a parking lot and a firetruck and ambulance came to check us out. 
Just as the ambulance got there, Matt came up to me (he walked from his work) and gave me a hug I will never forget. We watched Avery for signs of shaken baby syndrome and all I found on me was a smashed knee. The paramedics reminded us of how lucky we were. Traffic was horrible. They could hardly get there. Yet we were blessed my that window of a break in traffic in the oncoming lane. 
We were skaken up but okay. 

Talking to my dad let it sink in. The day before my aunt had given him a blanket she made to give to Avery when they come out for Christmas. After meeting with her and finishing work he left to go to the dentist. He showed up first on a scene of an accident identical to ours, with even a slower speed limit. The girl involved was in her early twenties and had her face filleted open. He calmed her, stayed with her, and used the blanket to stop the bleeding. We have all been praying she made it and is okay. 

We are all holding each other a little closer today. 

Happy Friday the 13th





Thursday, December 12, 2013

okay to cry

i learned a lesson today that i couldn't have learned any other way. 

my sweet daughter was down for a nap and my window had come.  i had to hurry to decide what to do with my window of freedom.  should i hurry to fold yesterday's clean laundry sitting in our room before it wrinkles (too late)? should i finish off a client's photography task? should i sleep? should i shower?
one look in the mirror and i made my decision: shower.

i checked that she was alright and quickly grabbed some clean clothes and hurried to the bathroom.  just as i got the shampoo pasted to the crown of my head... she cried.

it started as a whimper, but with every bubble as the suds grew thicker in my hair, her cry grew louder.

normally, living in a house with our in-laws meant that someone else would come running.  but today, it was me + my lil' babe.  and i couldn't have learned this lesson any other way.

as her cry grew louder, my urge to run to her (even if i wasn't clothed and with sudsy hair) grew stronger.   she was in her little bassinet.  she couldn't go anywhere.  she was crying pretty loud (clearly she could breathe).  she was safe.  she was warm.  she was just hungry.

the more i thought about it, the more calm i felt. there are times when i wonder if my prayers are being answered.  but the feeling that washed over me made any shadow of doubt disappear.  I've never been more sure. 

i calmed down and hurried to finish showering, excited to pick her up and soothe her, but knowing she was okay.  after the conditioner was gone from my hair + i was again clothe-covered, i went across the hall to our room and lil' babe.  i tried talking to her, but at first she couldn't hear me she was crying so loud.  her wide eyes found mine + her crying instantly stopped.  as my arms came around her she smiled so big it made the one alligator tear streaming down her face look completely out of place.

i couldn't help but think of how applicable it all was.  i've never seen her look at me that way because i've never let her really cry before.  the second she wimpers, i solve anything she needs.  but i would never have had such a tender moment as i did with her today nor seen her love so clearly without the contrast. 

i believe sometimes Heavenly Father LETS us cry, so we can feel more clearly his arms around us when they come.  knowing that we are safe and out of harms way.  and how often are we crying so hard that we can't hear his soft voice trying to soothe us until he can come?

i love that little bundle of baby so very very much.  i'm overwhelmed with this feeling of excitement at her growth and learning.  and there is nothing so comforting as that look in her eyes: she KNOWS i love her.

i can only wonder, how much does He love me?

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

motherhood



I'm still adjusting to the realization that this is my tiny human. She trusts me and her daddy with everything, to guide her, teach her, take care of her, all of it. I'm amazed at her confidence in us. I'm learning to have that confidence in myself. It's a slow but sure process. But I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. How did i ever live life without her?

Monday, December 9, 2013

december loves

avery toes.
the smell of pine.
grammy's Christmas music always playing.
todays first snowfall.
baby girl knowing who we are.
matt's hug every day when he first gets home from work.
avery's first smiles.
loved ones traveling from afar to visit our little family.
my new name, mommy.
snuggles to keep warm.
sewing projects.
helping the missionaries.
baby eyes watching me.
helping people in ways they couldn't help themselves.
feeling so close to Christ.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Avery Jane Gillon

Avery Jane Gillon was born November 10th at 6:28 pm in Hershey, Pennsylvania.  Weighing an OCD 8 pounds even and exactly 20 inches long.  


We had been waiting patiently for her almost a week over her due date.  Looking back now, I had absolutely no idea what I was in for.  What changes to my heart, body, and soul were in store.  How much one day would change my life.  I still don’t.  

After having so many scares with preterm labor, she sure decided to dig her heels in (or toes, I kept feeling those little things wrap around my ribs as if a last attempt to not slip out). My mom flew out on Wednesday and we were thrilled to have a little time together before little miss decided to show up.  When we drove away from Utah in June my belly hadn’t even begun to pop out yet so no one in my family had ever really seen me pregnant.  We shopped till we dropped and toured the area for a few days and still no sign of Avery.  Every day we walked more and more and hoped as the contractions picked up that ‘today would be the day’.  

She was scheduled to be induced Sunday morning at 6am and decided to be a prompt, or rather early little gal.  Saturday night we all stayed up having girl talk and hung out.  Matt’s brother even happened to be here so it was a full house of good laughs.  Finally we all decided to get some sleep before the big day.  We crawled into bed and tried to get doze off.  

I’d been having hard, sporadic contractions for a few days.  And I dreamt I was in a hospital bed being hit with harder labor pains.  At some point in the night I realized these were real, hard, consistent contractions.  I thought about waking Matt up, but we had been to the hospital two nights before and I had only been dilated to a 2.  I knew it would take time, and decided to wait it out at home in a comfy bed.  I slept (or tried to) between contractions, but kept waking myself and finally Matt up from moaning.  At about 2AM they woke us both wide up and he asked if I wanted to go to the hospital.  I told him I’d like to wait it out at home a little longer (since I knew first pregnancies are especially long) and said I’d try to wait it out till 6 for our scheduled appointment.  At 4:30 however, we were done waiting and woke up our moms.  

We got checked in and ready to go.  It was one big blur, IV, paperwork, and a bazillion questions.  The contractions went on and about 6AM they finally checked me to see the progress.  A 1 they said, if that.  And I seemed less effaced and further back with positioning.   WWHHHAATTT? I was REgressing, not PROgressing.  They guessed maybe midnight for the delivery and prepped me mentally for the now possibility that I would need to have a C-section instead.  Talk about disheartening.  

‘Okay’ I kept telling myself.  ‘At least she will be here TODAY, just hang in there one more day’.  They gave me a pill to pick up the contractions before giving a round of pitocin.  And then they let me be for a few hours.  At first I felt strong, I could do it, matt held my hand and I could breathe through them.  After a few hours though they had picked up and were getting to be miserable.  I had decided beforehand to have an epidural with this pregnancy and was reaching my limit and ready for some help.  I went from being present, to somewhere else.  I closed my eyes and just tried to endure laying there.  They were infinitely worse whenever gravity played its part sitting or standing.  I had a rag over my face and just tried to detach myself and endure.  I could feel different hands come and go.  My mom slipped hers in mine so Matt could grab a bite to eat and be there when I needed him most.  My sweet father-in-law took over when she went to talk to the doctors.  So many loved ones stood by and supported.  

My moans went from mild and soft to hard and louder.  I didn’t know how much more I could take.  ‘Midnight?!’ I kept thinking.  Could I really make it? The anesthesiologist finally came in.  He didn’t speak much english, but the one thing I understood was he was eager to help.  I just had to be checked.  It gave me a glimmer of hope.  A little longer is all I needed.  

My contractions had stopped having breaks.  My baseline was HIGH.  There was no let up.  It went from bad, to horribly bad every few minutes.  The doctor(s… a teaching hospital) came in to check me and started whipping off the blanket in the middle of a horrid contraction.  Apparently I belted out ‘don’t touch me, please, don’t touch me!’.  I remember thinking in my head that I just needed to get through this contraction before I would allow any fingers anywhere else.  But after having said nothing in a while, I surprised everyone in the room.  The doctors got a little in my face and explained it wouldn’t get easier and dove in.  A four.  At least I was making some kind of progress.  Hadn’t they said that I could get an epidural at a four?  But then my bubble burst.  They said they wouldn’t give the epidural yet and would be back to check in a few hours.  
SERIOUSLY?!

I lost it.  I started bawling like a baby.  I was at the end of my rope, and I felt like I had dropped… How on earth could I do it? I have never felt closer to my savior than I did on that Sunday evening.  I kept thinking of the Savior pleading for the bitter cup to pass from him, knowing that if it couldn’t, he would swallow it anyway.  Before coming to the hospital, Matt had given me a blessing.  A line in it said that motherhood was a form of the atonement.  Suffering to give life.  I am so grateful he was there.  Only he understands those dark moments.  He has been so much lower.  

I couldn’t stop crying.  I felt inconsolable.  Until Matt crawled into bed behind me and wrapped his arms around me.  The tears kept flowing, but the overwhelming blackness was cut with a candle.  He was there.  I wasn’t alone.


I couldn’t talk.  I couldn’t pray, but the words ‘please’ and ‘help’ kept coming out and I knew Heavenly Father knew the emotion behind it.

My sweet loved ones went to talk to the doctors.  We were confused.  Hadn’t the anesthesiologist said he could help? Why the hours? They found he and the doctors fighting in the hall.  I guess what it came down to is the doctors had many cases where the epidural had worn off right before the end, game time.  And they were determined to wait to make sure I had it when I needed it.  

Makes sense.  And I admire them.  But I honestly felt like I couldn’t make it NOW….
They gave me a few shots of Morphine and Matt and his Dad gave me a blessing. I was there but I went somewhere else.  I sat in a rocking chair and spent a few hours with the Savior.  He has never felt so much like my older brother.  He was right by my side.  

They came back in (FINALLY) and gave me an epidural at about 5pm.  I blacked out at that point and don’t remember anything until waking up with a whole new energy.  The epidural was only working on my right side, but I could do this.  I joked that I was ready to play cards and everyone was shocked.  What a night and day difference.  I could still feel everything on my left side, but somehow it didn’t bother me anymore.  I felt strong. Everyone came in and gave their hugs until the doctor came in to check me.  A ten.  I was ready.  

They broke my water and things escalated. They found meconium and the dynamics changed. They notified the NICU team to be ready. The room cleared and it was Matt and I, a doctor and a nurse. He was so sweet and strong even though hospitals are hard for him. Finally they let me push. I could still feel everything in my left side. I kept asking their permission to push and they kept trying to slow me down. They told me they still thought it would be hours. After three pushes we were all surprised when she crowned. They hurried to call in the team. Fifteen minutes and two tears later she was here.
 
 
Surprise. She came out the wrong way, with her head facing the sky.  They explained that it was probably the reason the epidural only half worked and added all the extra pain.  She hit a bunch of nerves in my pelvis on the way out.  The team swept her away towards the warmer. She let out the sweetest little baby cry and Matt and I looked at each other... Shocked. It finally started to hit. She was here. She was real. She was ours!

I don’t think anything defines it more than the quote
“the cavity which suffering carves into our souls will one day also be the receptacle of joy”
(Neal A Maxwell)


My heart was full. I asked them to give her to Matt first. I've gotten to hold her for nine months and loved every kick and wiggle. I wanted him to have something special with her.
 

They slid her into his arms and his initial timidness turned into pure love and confidence. He grinned from ear to ear. He was a daddy! And I was a mommy! He slid her to me and my life changed. Her bright eyes looked up into my soul and I instantly felt love and felt loved by her.
I have never in my life experienced such a hole carved by pain, only to be immediately filled to the point of overflowing.  I look at pictures of myself from before Sunday, and feel like I’m looking at a different person.  My soul is changed.

Our lives will never be the same sweet Avery. They will always be better now that you are a part of them.
 
Our joy is full.
 




Friday, October 25, 2013

sitting, waiting, wishing

can't wait to hold you in my arms without this barrier
taken by petra laster

Monday, October 21, 2013

new england

fall is all about change.  
you can feel it in the air, see it in the trees, and feel it coming.
i don't think i've ever felt more change coming than i have this fall.
we took a trip up through new england last weekend to see 
where matt's grandmother grew up and passed away.
it was a nostalgic trip for his dad.
 with every leaf i kept thinking of her, the change, and this little baby girl that's about to get here. 
  life keeps going forward, always forward, never backward.  and it's always more and more breathtaking.
(p.s. did you know the ben and jerry's factory is in vermont? we're fans. big fans.  it's kind of what brought us together in the first place)

Saturday, September 28, 2013

falling slowly

what a perfect saturday.
i'm loving the east coast a little more each day.  especially as the weather becomes more crisp and fall is sneaking up on us.  

some days really are just perfect.
yummiest apple fritters to ever touch my taste buds.