perspective

I don't normally do posts like this, but I want to be real.
To be me.
To help anyone out there who feels similar.

Instead of this post being a list of all the things we did during our vacation, I want to take a snapshot of what I learned. 

Most days I'm on cloud nine!  Some days I struggle and have to gain perspective. We all do.
Today is one of those days. 

I made more headway in life yesterday than I have in the past few years.

My sweet husband surprised me with a trip to visit my mission over Christmas break.  

I was ecstatic to go back! I couldn't wait to see familiar sights, places, and most especially people.  It was a long drive, and I worried about my sisters, I wanted them to enjoy the trip.  As we pulled up the summit looking down over Santa Fe, tidal waves of nostalgia hit.  Every turn, every street held a story.  

We visited a few families and close friends from the mission (I wish we could have visited all, but it was such a short trip.)

I'll keep the details to a minimum... but seeing a few people struggle the way they are, my heart about broke.  I got so emotional.  I wanted my sisters to experience the JOY of a mission, not the pain of it.  

Our plans kept changing and one night we found an inexpensive hotel room and moved our stuff in.  The mood was different the rest of the night.  I couldn't help but think it was a sad way to start the new year.  

how wrong I was...

Matt could almost read my mind and cuddled up next to me as we all relaxed watching 'Despicable Me', hiding from the cold outside.  

I felt helpless.  Where had I gone wrong? Was there something more I could have done? Said?

It started to sink in, and I went the rest of the trip a little confused, but growing.  Knowing hard as this trip was for me, it was what I needed. 

Even visiting my Mission President was a little confusing.  Sitting in their house with no tags, no message, no curfew.  Instead we ate pie at the kitchen table and talked about life.  

Sleeping over at a members home, for the first time, something felt right.

Holding a little boy in my arms.  

Taking snapshots of mom, dad and baby in arms cooking breakfast. 

Really living.  

Coming home from our trip, I started getting back into the same routines and worries.  Unpacking, laundry, and dishes preparing for the busy week ahead (Matt's job/school full time & my 3 jobs).  The stress finally caught up to me and I ended up laying next to Matt on the bed unable to hold back tears.  

I felt like a failure.

I once heard a quote on my mission:

"When you think you have reached the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." -Thomas Jefferson

Though it is great advice... I've been tying knot after knot in my rope for years.  Now all I have is a long rope full of knots I feel I can't untie.

-Some converts I taught have fallen away.

-A blessing I received on my mission that I needed to stay in touch.  That some would join the church after I left the mission and throughout my life.  Knowing how the gospel can completely change their lives.  How happy it makes me. 

-Seeing people I care about struggle so much.

-My family struggle.

-My dad's cancer still remains and my mom being tested.

-Not being a perfect wife.

-Grandpa passing away

-Not being a perfect teacher at the MTC

-Not being perfect at Visiting Teaching

-Not TRULY taking time to soak in my scriptures every day.

-Working too much, not having time.

-Lack of sleep/health.

-Finances.

-Knowing I can be a better employee

-Lack of business with photography.

-Knowing I can lift more as a friend.

When I admitted all of this to Matt, he helped me to gain perspective.  I've since realized that since my mission I have held high expectations for myself.  

Higher than Heavenly Father's.

Matt gave me a blessing, and Heavenly Father's expectations became clear.

I can't be perfect on my own.  

But the peace is thicker than anything I can imagine when I let him take the burden he has already paid for.  

I could almost tangibly feel the Savior reaching out His hand to me to pull me in to a big hug.  Letting everything else wash away.  

And the most incredible thing is Matt's arms feel the same. 

I sat curled up in bed this morning and paid closer attention to Heavenly Father's voice. 

Slow down.

Be balanced,prioritize.

Do what you love.

LIVE life.

Don't compare yourself.

Focus on your family.

Emulate gratitude. 

For the first time in a long time, I'm really home.