jazz/clippers game

for matt's birthday i wanted to give him something he would really appreciate, not just something he needed. we ended up going to the jazz/clippers game, and i'm so glad we did.  what a fun memory we'll always have!

we wore clipper colored attire...

woot!

little cutie fell asleep on her dad's lap in front of us...

it was a close game...

but we pulled it off!!!

ran into my awesome cousin after both of our missions!

one of my favorite married memories so far...

perspective

I don't normally do posts like this, but I want to be real.
To be me.
To help anyone out there who feels similar.

Instead of this post being a list of all the things we did during our vacation, I want to take a snapshot of what I learned. 

Most days I'm on cloud nine!  Some days I struggle and have to gain perspective. We all do.
Today is one of those days. 

I made more headway in life yesterday than I have in the past few years.

My sweet husband surprised me with a trip to visit my mission over Christmas break.  

I was ecstatic to go back! I couldn't wait to see familiar sights, places, and most especially people.  It was a long drive, and I worried about my sisters, I wanted them to enjoy the trip.  As we pulled up the summit looking down over Santa Fe, tidal waves of nostalgia hit.  Every turn, every street held a story.  

We visited a few families and close friends from the mission (I wish we could have visited all, but it was such a short trip.)

I'll keep the details to a minimum... but seeing a few people struggle the way they are, my heart about broke.  I got so emotional.  I wanted my sisters to experience the JOY of a mission, not the pain of it.  

Our plans kept changing and one night we found an inexpensive hotel room and moved our stuff in.  The mood was different the rest of the night.  I couldn't help but think it was a sad way to start the new year.  

how wrong I was...

Matt could almost read my mind and cuddled up next to me as we all relaxed watching 'Despicable Me', hiding from the cold outside.  

I felt helpless.  Where had I gone wrong? Was there something more I could have done? Said?

It started to sink in, and I went the rest of the trip a little confused, but growing.  Knowing hard as this trip was for me, it was what I needed. 

Even visiting my Mission President was a little confusing.  Sitting in their house with no tags, no message, no curfew.  Instead we ate pie at the kitchen table and talked about life.  

Sleeping over at a members home, for the first time, something felt right.

Holding a little boy in my arms.  

Taking snapshots of mom, dad and baby in arms cooking breakfast. 

Really living.  

Coming home from our trip, I started getting back into the same routines and worries.  Unpacking, laundry, and dishes preparing for the busy week ahead (Matt's job/school full time & my 3 jobs).  The stress finally caught up to me and I ended up laying next to Matt on the bed unable to hold back tears.  

I felt like a failure.

I once heard a quote on my mission:

"When you think you have reached the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." -Thomas Jefferson

Though it is great advice... I've been tying knot after knot in my rope for years.  Now all I have is a long rope full of knots I feel I can't untie.

-Some converts I taught have fallen away.

-A blessing I received on my mission that I needed to stay in touch.  That some would join the church after I left the mission and throughout my life.  Knowing how the gospel can completely change their lives.  How happy it makes me. 

-Seeing people I care about struggle so much.

-My family struggle.

-My dad's cancer still remains and my mom being tested.

-Not being a perfect wife.

-Grandpa passing away

-Not being a perfect teacher at the MTC

-Not being perfect at Visiting Teaching

-Not TRULY taking time to soak in my scriptures every day.

-Working too much, not having time.

-Lack of sleep/health.

-Finances.

-Knowing I can be a better employee

-Lack of business with photography.

-Knowing I can lift more as a friend.

When I admitted all of this to Matt, he helped me to gain perspective.  I've since realized that since my mission I have held high expectations for myself.  

Higher than Heavenly Father's.

Matt gave me a blessing, and Heavenly Father's expectations became clear.

I can't be perfect on my own.  

But the peace is thicker than anything I can imagine when I let him take the burden he has already paid for.  

I could almost tangibly feel the Savior reaching out His hand to me to pull me in to a big hug.  Letting everything else wash away.  

And the most incredible thing is Matt's arms feel the same. 

I sat curled up in bed this morning and paid closer attention to Heavenly Father's voice. 

Slow down.

Be balanced,prioritize.

Do what you love.

LIVE life.

Don't compare yourself.

Focus on your family.

Emulate gratitude. 

For the first time in a long time, I'm really home.

happy birthday love...

isn't he cute?

i am in love with this cute kid. 

so grateful he was born 26 years ago.

you're my other half matt.

i don't know what i'd do without you, and i'm grateful i'll never have to.

here's to another year of celebrating you.

happy birthday love.

home is where the heart is

nostalgia: a state of being homesick

i thought a lot today about  w h e r e  home is.  Visiting Matt's family on the east coast felt like  h o m e.  Being in Logan relaxing on my parent's couch felt like  h o m e.  And finally walking back into our little studio apartment in mapleton felt like  h o m e.  anywhere with matt is home.

home is where the heart is.

there's something special about the christmas season that brings out all that nostalgia. 

today we are officially home from our thanksgiving vacation and i've been playing catch up on work, to-do lists, and photography shoots.

but as i sat here writing my talk for my grandpa's funeral this coming saturday i was hit with a wave of emotion.  instead of looking at pictures of other people's beautiful families, today i took a good look at some of my own.

i saw pictures of christmases over the years with wrapping paper lying across grandma and grandpa's floor.  me braiding amy's hair as he lay sprawled out on the floor, all of us just plain old  h a p p y.
his hugs were normally right after he'd come in from doing some hard work on the farm, and you could feel the cold and smell the exhaust still from his jacket. 
i love him.
i miss him.

i loved seeing all the years fly before me on the computer screen. 

and i got choked up.

James Barrie once said,
"God gave us memories that we might have june roses in the decembers of our lives."

and oh did we make memories this trip!

 -i got called aunt lindsay for the first time.

-playing cards till we couldn't keep our eyes open.
-laughing so hard it hurt.

-sleeping next to the christmas tree.

-the cute pup rolo sneaking my thanksgiving dessert.
-walking downtown philly with josh and michelle.

-going to hershey park with grammy and papa.

-meeting vincent for the first time. 
-climbing trees.

-cuddles with nieces and nephews

-all the funny quotes.
-piggy backs.

- cutting down christmas trees.

-freezing in santa's workshop
-reading the journal matt's mom kept for him since he was born.

-seeing pictures of matt growing up and loving him even more.

-reb's "you're telling me you love me  a g a i n"  face. :)

-putting my handprint on the wall,officially a part of the family.

-our first christmas tree (we're on a budget ;)

-and matt and i created our first very own christmas tradition:  making ninja-bread cookies.  :) 

-our kids will love us ;) we hope...

in short today i am thankful for where i come from.  for those who raised and influenced me.  i'm thankful for Grandpa Jardine. i'm thankful for my sweet husband. i'm thankful for my sweet mother in law and father in law for raising my best friend. i don't know where i'd be without him. i'm thankful for my parents and siblings. i'm thankful for my new siblings, and their cute kids.  i wished we lived closer. i'm thankful for loved ones.  i'm thankful for home. 

and we'll see you there soon enough grandpa.

i will rise

earlier this week matt and i went to a CES holiday dinner for his work.  while there, we got to listen to a performance of this song.  

i haven't been able to get it out of my head all week.  

i love the lyrics.

hope it makes your day.